Wednesday, December 30, 2009

So I am going to take a while to write to write this post, as there are so many thoughts and feelings I am dealing with that go along with it. Plus I also want to be getting the experiences down that have occurred over the past few months. So, where to begin...
Well, I guess that I need to start with what happened 8 and a half years ago. I use to be married to someone else. Someone who has some of the same qualities as Tony does. Someone who was kind to me and good to our children. Someone who didn't share my same religious views, but that is another story for another time.
He came home one night and just didn't seem the same. I knew something was up, but put my rose colored glasses back on and tried my best to get on with things. Then after being like this for a week, he dropped the bomb. He didn't want to be married any more. He didn't see himself almost 30 and married with kids. He wanted his freedom back and the pressure gone. We lived in a small, predominately LDS community. He had joined the church 6 month prior, thinking that it would help his feelings on the matter. But it hadn't been in his heart.
Jump forward one year when I married Tony, the love of my life, my knight in shining armor. Someone who would help me move through this life and into the eternities. We moved 12 hours away from where the oldest three were born. We added the remaining 4 in the next 6 years.
Well, about 2 years ago, the kids came home after spending the summer with their dad having a different perspective on things and a new way of expressing themselves. It wasn't what I would call uplifting. In fact the opposite. Emo just focuses on the negative in life and how horrible things are. The started wearing dark clothes and makeup. Listening to darker music. Reading darker books. I didn't know what to do. After counseling with our bishop, he said that we should keep an eye on things, especially negative actions that go with this lifestyle, such as cutting. Then he said to love them. That was easy. But the hard part has been watching them make some of the choices I didn't agree with.
The music I mainly like. It is kind of like the music I listened to in high school. But some of it wasn't. I didn't want it in my house. I wanted to ban it. But after praying about it, I felt that they could decide what they listened to, but I got to control what the rest of the family listened to. This translated into "you can listen to what you wantif it's in your ear, but if I hear something I don't approve of, I will ask you to turn it off."
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